LEARNING AT THE POTTER'S WHEEL

The Creator of the Universe is so wise and wonderful. I cannot express what His grace has meant to me.

There was a time when I was certain that HE could never really care for ME. I am so glad to know now that I was wrong. This is not something brought about by any merit of my own. Rather, it is a testament to His steadfast love that would not let me go.

It is easy to imagine that a person filled with joy is a person that cannot understand or comprehend the difficulties you’ve seen. ‘How dare that person rejoice?! Don’t they know there are people hurting?! How cruel to smile while others weep! What a flippant thing to suggest that FAITH alone could solve THIS!’

At one time, I believed joyful people were happy because they had never known pain. I assumed they were immune to the depth of hurt I had known.

That was before I came to understand what Solomon wrote: “The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done: and there is no new thing under the sun.” Ecclesiastes 1:9.

There really is NOTHING new under the sun – not even the kind of pain I’ve known. My history isn’t really all that unique. For what it’s worth, here’s a small portion of where He brought me from:

Dealing with emotionally broken people is not enjoyable for me. It isn't because I don't know how to handle myself. Rather, it's because these situations have a cold familiarity. I know too well what it is like to be at the mercy of those that love explosive conflict, drama, faultfinding and gossip.

Much of my childhood was a bewildering adventure where I tried to reconcile actual events to the interpretations of adults that were convinced every difference must mean war.

I felt more secure at school, but even there I often heard young teachers swapping stories and laughing about other students, their parents, and each other. So, though I was thankful for the predictability of graded approval, it was a relative security.

I learned it was in my interest to NOT cause adults embarrassment by revealing the truth I knew. There were MANY topics we weren't allowed to mention, lots of secrets. It became a matter of survival to learn how to read the faces of the adults in my world. I was always searching for the meaning behind the words, because in my world, words hid coded messages.

I only recall once or twice when I attempted to describe these things to a trusted adult. The people in my day-too-day circle weren't interested in what a child thought, and fewer wanted to hear it. My uncertain efforts met with well-meaning lectures on how I should try harder to be a good girl that didn't disappoint.

Much of my time was spent trying to figure out how to best position myself to stay out of trouble. I often wore a look of concentrated puzzlement. My facial expression meant that photographers were always a little frustrated that I had to be told to smile. I met that frustration with a quizzical stare, wondering why I would smile when I wasn’t happy. I don’t know of any childhood pictures where I wear an un-posed smile.

One day, quite by accident, I discovered a valuable key to navigating this confusing time. I was watching my mother and another woman go through a bag of clothes that were not appealing to me. The colors were faded earth tones, and the reds looked orangey-rusty. There weren't any play clothes in the bunch. For a small girl that liked to climb trees, there wasn’t much there to like.

The women were ooohing and aaahing over all of it as though these items were lovely. Taking a cue, I ventured, “That’s a pretty dress.” Honestly, I did not like the color or the fact that it was a dress, but the cut was nice and it had a ruffle around the hem that made it tolerable.

The change in the room was electric. Suddenly, I was drawn into their circle. They began to include me in the conversation. Their faces lit up, and they asked my opinion on many items. I saw that they only held up things THEY liked and were only looking for an appreciative audience. So, for my mother and her friend, I became a reflection of what they wanted. I offered them encouragement, and it actually tipped things in my favor. It’s still a vivid memory to me -- the day I complimented an ugly dress and FINALLY received approval.

It was a valuable lesson to learn. It served me well, but it made me somewhat cynical of individual motives. I still have to occasionally remind myself that spotlight seekers aren’t always oblivious to the needs of those around them. I’ve often been brought to the place where I had to choose to offer grace to those who enjoy sniping and backbiting – even when my instincts tell me to use the skills I learned surviving treatment by those who were MUCH more intimidating. Yes, HE is a very patient Teacher to His children.

Thankfully, these things are my history. They haven’t robbed me of the present or my future.

My parents have actually turned into ideal grandparents. I love them dearly. Forgiveness brought healing, and I came to understand that their own childhoods were the things of nightmares. I learned that the world isn't such a frightening place when you are held by the hands of the ONE that spoke creation into existence.

Managing associations and friendships with people one on one and in large numbers has been largely uneventful. Knowing God has helped me to re-focus my thinking to what pleases Him and how He sees me rather than what ugly human imaginations can dream up. However, few people ever get very close to me. I don’t have much appreciation for feigned familiarity.

There are, a few friends that are happy exceptions to this. Along the way, I have been blessed with friends that DO value me as a person. These same friends trust my fidelity and goodwill. They rejoice when good comes my way and weep with me when I grieve. These are friends that pray for me regularly even when I’m not aware of it -- whether or not I ask for it. These are friends I may not see for years at a time, but it’s like we’ve never been apart when we come together. I call them my heart-friends.

When my heart-friends ask my opinion they are genuinely interested in an honest response. They want to know how I see the world, and they delight in and value my perspective – whether or not they agree with it. They aren't so self-absorbed or insecure as to think opinions and points of view must always line up perfectly. They don't assume that my words have hidden meaning or are born of manipulations. They don't demand that I hide myself in order to make them feel better about themselves. When you know who you are in Christ, you don't NEED to hold others hostage to your emotions. You are free to just enjoy each other -- differences and all.

. . . . And, if you ask me today what I think about THAT . . . I’ll smile a wide smile that makes the corners of my eyes crinkle and tell you from the depths of my soul that I think that’s just BEAUTIFUL!!

I've certainly neglected my blog for some time!

My last post was nearly a year ago. . . .WOW -- That's a long time.
So, I think I'll start off with some excerpts from messages by Michael Pearl. This entire series has been a great encouragement to us because it reminded us of the many ways God has transformed our lives.

These particular quotes have to do with gossiping, telling tales, whispering, backbiting, etc. Why would THAT be an encouragement? If you've ever held a position of responsibility that required discretion while making decisions that affect others, you'll understand completely. It's no fun to be the subject of speculation by strangers (or by 'friends' that suppose they have all the details). It's not pleasant to be accused of maliciousness when the opposite is true. Then again, there's the old saying that if you aren't encountering opposition, then you aren't doing much.

So, if you're finding yourself on the receiving end of suspicion, accusations and those that enjoy strife and conflict, you may find this an encouragement as well. If you'd like to listen to the entire series, you can find a copy here:
50 SINS by Michael Pearl

[. . .]Now the 34th sin.

Sin is whispering about someone. That's one of the sins listed in the scripture. Whispering it's called. That's the sin of whispering. Now, there's nothing wrong with whispering when you're in church and you have to tell your wife to go ahead take the kid out because the diaper's messed up and you can smell it. You need to whisper that. But this whispering is when you are saying something to someone about someone else and you're not saying it where everyone can hear, just this person, or a very small circle. You'll see people do it like this – just two of them. They know they're saying something they shouldn't. They put their hand over their mouth and start talking low.

Telling something JUICY, BAD . . . Oh, so sad!

Oh, we need to pray about SOMEBODY ELSE and what they did.'

Now, dirty news is always interesting – especially if it's somebody that's been haughty, and we'd like to see them brought down – or somebody that's brought us down in the past – and now they're getting their comeuppance.

So if it's bad news about them, we remember to be serious and sober about it and shake our heads and say, 'Oh, how sad!' When maybe we're thinking,'How glad I am they finally got exposed for what they did.'

Man, that's ugly. Do you know how ugly that is?

Now, what do you think the heart of God feels like when we have that kind of attitude?
How does God feel?

And how do YOU feel when somebody's talking about YOU?
When they're acting that way about you – saying something about you – how does that make you feel?

Sin is whispering
Psalm 41:7
"All that hate me whisper together against me:"[/color] David said, [color=purple]"against me do they devise my hurt."

Proverbs 16:28
"A froward man soweth strife: and a whisperer separateth chief friends."

A lot of times people are lonely and insecure and feel like they're not liked. So they will pick out a person that they want to be their friend and they will tell every dirty thing they know about their friends, so that it just leaves the two of them together to buddy up.

They will tear down the other friends of this individual so that 'I will be the only one they like and trust.'

I want to tell you that works in the reverse. That only works with fourteen year old girls. You know fourteen year old girls that do that. And they'll draw together, and they'll form their clique. And they will run everybody else down, but it won't last long.

Relationships built on that kind of whispering never last, because somebody who becomes a whisperer will one day whisper about you too. And you'll get tired of it, and they will no longer be your friend.

Romans 1:28[-30]
"...even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not convenient; Being filled with all unrighteousness, fornication, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, debate, deceit, malignity; whisperers, Backbiters, haters of God, . . ." so forth

II Corinthians 12:20
"For I fear, lest, when I come, I shall not find you such as I would, and that I shall be found unto you such as ye would not: lest there be debates, envyings, wraths, strifes, backbitings, [b]whisperings,[/b] swellings, [and] tumults"

Paul— coming to the church at Corinth – said I'm ... 'I fear that when I come to you, I will find you engaged in whispering.' There was a sin taking place there in the church. And he said, 'Rather than dealing with the sin, you are puffed up, don't mourn, and you're in danger of just whispering about it.'

Watch out for somebody just whispering sin to you. When somebody starts whispering someone else's sin to you, just start right there and say,'Now wait a minute. Hold up. Why are you telling me this?'[/i] Or, [i]'I don't want to hear it.' Or say, 'It's none of my concern.' Or just say, 'Okay, let's pray right now for the person. You lead off.' *laughs*

That's real difficult, you know?

You got it all up in your heart. You got this evil up there. You got this malice toward them and you start whispering. Somebody says, 'Okay, let's pray. YOU lead off.'
Boy, that's a kick in the face.

Believers response to teaching on sin.

You know when you hear these things mentioned, it's not like you say, 'Okay, I've got to remember that and not do that.' That's not the way God works. And that's not the way this will work in you.

What happens is when you hear teaching like this and it exposes sin in your own heart, there's an automatic cleansing process and purging that takes place. If you're a Christian and your heart's honest, then a repentance occurs at the very idea of hearing it. It's so embarrassing, SO humiliating, so disgusting to see ourselves suddenly that we just – you'll repent the moment you hear it. You'll say, 'Boy, I did that. I'm sorry for that. God I don't want to do that anymore.'

And you don't have to formally do that, but in your heart that takes place and with that there's a shaking loose of that sin in your own life.

So the next time the opportunity or the situation arises where that sin would pop up, you laugh at it then. You laugh at yourself. You look at it and you'll say, 'No. No way. Not THIS time.' And you do, you make a conscious effort that 'I'll not speak’ or ’I'll not listen' or 'I reject that thought.' And you're purged of it. You're delivered of it.

It's not like you've got to go out and try, 'Boy, I'd really like to say something bad about that person, but I'm just going to hold my tongue.' It's not that way.

When God really gets to the root of the sin in your heart, the source of it, then you don't have the desire to talk about that person any more. You don't have the need to tear them down to build yourself up. You don't have the need to be recognized and honored and praised. You don't have the need to try to appear humble any more.

You're just content to let God sift it all out in the end,

An inferior attitude is not true humility.

28th sin is taking an inferior attitude towards those of wealth and position.
Now, this is a reversal. This is not about pride and self-exaltation. This is about thinking of yourself in a mousy way – being humble about yourself. Feeling inadequate in the presence of people of more skill, more education, better looking, in a higher circle than you.

This is about putting your head down and being quiet and kind of getting in a corner because you don't feel adequate in this crowd.

That's sin too.

See? When you know you're God's creature, and you don't judge other people by those outward measures, you're not going to let them judge you by those measures either. It's only when in your own heart, you think there's some great virtue in education, wealth, being able to speak correctly, being dressed correctly, uh . . . knowing the right people, and so forth.

When you think that that really is to be admired then you'll be ashamed and embarrassed when you can't exhibit that in the presence of those that that are capable and able. But when you . . . When you realize that that's not the measure of a person – that people are measured by their heart, by who they are, by the light that's in their eyes, by the lilt that's in their voice . . . When you realize that and you’re in the presence of people that normally others would be awed by, you can be totally relaxed – neither condemning, judging, faultfinding, nor feeling inferior in any way.

Just totally relaxed.

Now, I have seen so many people that have that retiring presence when in the presence of people they think are so much more than they are. And they would NEVER think that is sin. They'd think that was humility, but it is sin.

Come out of your shell. Come out of your hiding.

When you walk with the Lord and you walk in joy and you walk in peace, a filthy rich person – you know, BILLIONS – can sit in your presence and you won't feel any different than you do sitting in front of a pot smoking farmer down here in Perry County.

You won't. You won't feel inferior...

I'm a mix of emotions as I post this entry. . . . and that's fitting as parenting is just that, a mixture of so many things.

I'm excited for my youngest, Z-man. He's been potty-trained now for two years, but the nights haven't all been dry. Yet, in the last couple of weeks, the dry nights have moved into the majority. My writing brought me a few pennies, so the last time we were out running errands, we stopped into one of those box stores.

This was during the tax-free weekend, so all kinds of stuff was placed for prominent display. One of those items were the draw-string twin sheet sets that you buy for kids going to camp or college. They were on sale. We didn't NEED any sheets, mind you. The ones we have are fine, but they are old.

I looked down at Z-man and told him how proud I was of him that he wasn't wetting the bed any more (mostly) and that I thought he deserved to have brand new sheets. He was thrilled and picked out a bright apple-green color to have on his bed.

That night, we put his sheets on and tossed the others in the wash. His brother had also gotten a set. They were both quite proud of their selections and couldn't wait to hop into bed.

Would you believe it? Those sheets are worth their weight in gold. Z-man has something HE chose, HE picked out and HE wants to keep nicely on HIS bed. So far, the magic sheets have done their work nicely. All dry nights . . . One accident happened en route to the restroom, but the green sheets? Dry as a bone. Thank you very much!

So, why the mix of emotions?

Because tonight, there is a family making arrangements to have their their son released from the hospital to come home. There aren't any magic sheets for this young man. The cancer has done its worst, and the end looms. Hospice has been called, and prayers are being said. They've taken their last vacation.

These parents who have kissed the boo-boos and soothed the hurts are now facing an unimaginable loss, but there is no time to process all of that. For now, they must keep track of pain meds, care schedules and the endless telephone calls. They will not sleep much during the next while. Someone will always need to be awake. The one that should be resting likely won't be able to. They will make arrangements that no parent ever dreams of making.

They aren't just running out of time, they are losing time they thought they had. . . The holidays yet to come . . . The milestones not yet met. In an almost cruel twist, weddings, births, deaths, graduations, and new friendships will all continue to occur . . . time will march on . . . oblivious to this crushing blow.

For now, I live in a world where green sheets can work magic. But I have also known the sorrow that comes when nothing I could do would fix it. I know what it is to go on living when one I love did not . . . and I grieve for this mother and this father and the task that is before them.

Tonight, I'll tuck Z-man into his still-new green sheets, and I'll pray for this family as they settle in for the night. I'll be thankful that when these times come I know there IS comfort and peace because the Potter holds me firmly within His skilled hands.

About 8 years ago, I met a man that worked at a school for troubled youth. I asked him about how successful his program was – how well the graduates did when they returned to the circumstances they had left. His answer was both simple and profound.

“Jesus works every time He’s tried.”

Wow. It’s true, you know. Every time He’s tried – every time we look to Him for the solution instead of some substitute – He works. The answers aren’t always what we’d choose or want (left to our own devices), but I’ve found in my own life that when I’m willing to lay aside my own wisdom, fears, uncertainty and doubts and look to His wisdom, then my life is filled with purpose – a nobility, if you will – that was lacking when I muddled through on my own steam.

In my own strength, I can become frustrated when I see that so many people are motivated to manipulate others into meeting their needs. In contrast, when we see this life as a proving ground for the one to come, then poor choices of those we love take on a larger importance. I grieve for what it reveals about the heart, instead of railing against their actions or looking for a clever way to respond.

That’s quite a contrast when you think about it. Most individuals are just looking for a way to get past the current irritation or obstacle. They’d be glad to try anything or anyone if the results would accomplish a desired result.

Parents are considered successful if their children manage to become adults before becoming parents themselves. Keep the kids off of drugs and out of jail. You’ll be declared a successful parent.

Marry a spouse that doesn’t cheat or abuse you, and the marriage is called a success.

If our family members don’t embarrass us or cause us undue discomfort, the family is held up as an example for others to follow. When there is embarrassment or discomfort, it’s called ‘dysfunctional.’ But don’t despair; you’re just one good daytime television counseling session away from a solution. Just follow all of the steps on the latest checklist and you too will be called a success.

That, to me, is a hollow definition of success.

The heart remains the same. We clean up the outward appearance and ignore the inside. The stuff that set things rolling in the wrong direction remains the same, but for all appearances it looks really good. We tell ourselves that the problem is with everyone else. That we are a product of our environment and that if those around us would just apologize and treat us with respect and love and care enough to stop being so . . . well . . . dysfunctional . . . THEN our lives would be better, at least.

Then that Jesus guy gets in the way of our line of reasoning again:

Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye make clean the outside of the cup and of the platter, but within they are full of extortion and excess. 26 Thou blind Pharisee, cleanse first that which is within the cup and platter, that the outside of them may be clean also. 27 Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye are like unto whited sepulchres, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within full of dead men's bones, and of all uncleanness. 28 Even so ye also outwardly appear righteous unto men, but within ye are full of hypocrisy and iniquity. (Mattheew 23:25-28).

I remember a time when mamas would stay up all night on their knees weeping and praying for a wayward child or husband or loved one. They prayed for their souls; for their children to desire HIM above all else. Now, I wonder if we haven’t started settling for a lot less . . . If we aren’t just asking God to make the road smooth without looking to see which way that road is headed?

Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. 25 For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it. 26 For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul? (Matthew 16:24-26)

I heard an old recording this past week of a prison worship service. At the end, one of the inmates prayed to close the meeting. Have you ever heard someone pray with such power that you KNEW God heard? That incarcerated man prayed like that. He prayed with authority and power. While workers in the prison were free to come and go, something tells me that few experienced the freedom that this man knew. I wonder if he had a loved one that had prayed earnestly for his soul?

There are people that I love that have driven me to distraction with their irresponsible behaviors. Often, my angst comes from irritation that they have inconvenienced or embarrassed me. That’s to my own shame.

There really is a bigger picture after all. The difficulty is that I’m bumping up against people who need more than a nice white-washing on the outside. They need to be made new. It’s time to stop telling people to turn over a new leaf or re-commit to doing better. It’s time to fall down on our knees and pray for new life – for people to turn to Jesus.

He really does work EVERY TIME He’s tried.

Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new. II Corinthians 5:17

If one of my family members were to become ill, I know that I (or someone I know) would have some ideas about things I could try with promising results. I wouldn’t be dependent upon whichever course the doctor I could afford to see might offer. I would have options. It’s reassuring to have this information.

Having options though isn’t all it’s cracked up to be sometimes.

I was in another city attending a conference. The name of the conference wasn’t specific. We were learning about laws affecting natural and alternative health care. I was in the lobby one morning and noticed that several people had paid a fee to get into the center. They were wandering from one booth to another, looking for someone – anyone – that might know what they could try because the doctors done all they could.

They thought that at THIS conference, SOMEONE might have a single dose of SOMETHING that would be the answer they needed.

Some had money. Others were just looking for hope. All of them wanted to live. We tried to point them to the right resources, knowing that they may have waited too long . . .

For the last few weeks we have been praying for a relative in a medical crisis. Only now, we discovered that she had been living with secret knowledge that something was dreadfully wrong. She had been doing this for two years. She thought that her only option was to go to a doctor or suffer.

I don’t know what going to a doctor meant for her. I don’t know if she thought she would have been embarrassed, incapacitated, shamed, or if it just meant that she would lose control. Maybe she was just tired and wanted some privacy. Whatever the reason, she didn’t go. Because she didn’t tell anyone, she didn’t know that she had options. She didn’t ask. And so she got worse.

When the pain got bad enough, she went to the doctor. The surgeon assured her that he could do his part and have her on the mend.

She went into the hospital, offering words of instruction and love – trying to say goodbye in her own way. Everyone told her there was no need to worry.

We repeated ourselves when she was out of surgery and doing well.

Plans were made for physical therapy and an aid to help her with her recovery. Everything was going according to schedule.
After a few days, the diarrhea and the fever came. Then the breathing became difficult.

And she was gone.

Maybe it was the way she wanted it to be. I don’t know. For two years she hurt. She avoided the doctors. There were options, but she didn’t know them. We didn't know she was suffering.

I don’t know that her life would have been any longer with natural medicine. I know she could have had a measure of comfort and control. Who knows? She might even have recovered.

But those are things we can never know. She’s gone and it’s too late.

Why do I tell you this? I tell you because there are some things more important than knowing just the right herb or remedy. I think we have to learn how to cultivate the kinds of relationships that garner us the trust of those we love most. It isn’t about being right in the end. It’s about whether or not they will let you hold their hand and offer some measure of comfort.

Families are funny. We think that because someone is related to us that he or she should just understand and accept us at our worst. We subject them to our highs and our lows and think that a relationship so abused will be able to draw us together in tragedy . . . But we are wrong.

When the choice is life or death, you discover who a person truly trusts, who they will go to for counsel. When the minutes become moments, how a person spends them becomes very telling indeed.

I write this for a few reasons. If you are one of those who is excited about all that you are learning and people are hiding items in their pantry from you to avoid the lecture they know will come . . . You would do well to step back and rethink your approach. You may mean well, but they don’t trust your motives. They feel judged and humiliated and your input isn’t welcomed. Try investing in that PERSON. Tie some strings to their heart and develop a relationship. With time, you may find that they will ask you for your input, but you’ll have to earn it.

If you are one of those that thinks your dear ones will just have to learn to accept you for who you are and they need to accommodate your emotions, it’s time to put that aside. There truly ARE things more important than our little feelings. Don’t wait for the circumstances of life to convince you of that. The time is shorter than you think.

Finally, if you’d like to preserve your health but can’t afford the latest alternative health guru that flew into town, keep learning. There is information – good information – out there, but it takes time and study. The time to study is NOW. . . BEFORE a health crisis. Knowing stuff gives you options. Researching these things tells you who else is out there learning.

Something you learn could give you the time you need to make a difference. You won’t regret trying.

Sorry for the soapbox moment. *blush* Maybe this will do some good before it's too late for someone you love.

You are likely wondering who is Marcus E. McDonald.
Before December 1, 2007, I would have given you a blank look and said, "I don't know."

However, something altogether sad and wonderful at the same time happened. Mr. McDonald managed to die at just the right time so that his obituary would appear in Saturday's newspaper. This just happened to be a Saturday when Duke had the time and the extra pocket change and decided to purchase a newspaper. Other days of the week he's working. If he gets the Sunday paper, there's so many sections that we pretty much just scan the verbiage.

But a Saturday paper is just small enough that you might spot a treasure hidden away. That's what happened at our house. We aren't obituary readers. Unless we know we've lost a friend or a loved one, we just don't bother checking it out. So, it was just one of those wonderful things that happened by 'chance' that Duke decided to glance through the obituaries. There, he saw the grinning snapshot of a man in a t-shirt with more than just the standard fill-in-the-blank details. This was an actual letter from Marcus E. McDonald.

We didn't have the pleasure of knowing Mr. McDonald, but he sounds like our kind of fella. Something tells me that I won't be the only blogger posting this obituary. Something tells me that Mr. McDonald would have liked it that way. I suspect that whoever speaks tomorrow is going to have a tough time outdoing the deceased.

COLUMBIA — Can-Sir (lung), by God’s will, finally got me, Marcus Edward McDonald of Columbia, SC 29212 (born and raised in Greenville, SC) on Thursday, November 29, 2007, at age 58. I am writing this obituary, while still alive, on 9/14/07 so my family doesn’t have to go through this. My funeral will be held Monday at 2:00 p.m. December 3, 2007, at Faith Presbyterian Church with interment immediately thereafter in Bush River Road Memorial Gardens. Sorry to have you driving all over the place from the church to the cemetery, but it’s my funeral and I don’t want to hear any excuses for not staying for the interment! Karl McAllister Sr., Pastor, FPC and a great friend of mine, will reside. The pallbearers will be Elders: Steve Arneson, Brad Zamboni, Mike Ruff, and Deacons: Randolph Fuller, Doug Reynolds, and Craig Mandish, in honor of both “Offices” I served as both a Deacon and an Elder and do testify that they are both Spiritual Offices with different duty emphasis only, especially “teaching” (for the Elder).

Surviving me are “God’s best ever gifts to me,” other than all our salvation, which is sure and secure in Jesus the Christ. First, Lisa McDonald, my beautiful, organized, intelligent, Godly wife, mentor, cheerleader, and friend, affectionately known to some as “Lisa Jane,” a nick name I hung on her about 22 years ago that “stuck”...and we are both glad it did, just like our love and enjoyment of each other did. Seems the closer we got to God, the closer we got to each other - try it - you’ll like it. 2nd (in descending order of age) is my wonderful Amanda (Mandy) Joan McDonald, my eldest and “funniest” daughter who I called Roo cause no one else ever knew what it really meant. Roo and I swore not to ever tell. Hey Roo, I took our secret to the grave, surely you can too. Then you can tell ‘em in your own obituary. I can’t wait till you get up here. Man, all these people laugh “forever” (git it?) at a good joke or ruse. You gonna feel like a star in Heaven...I do. 3rd is my “gentle rock of Gibraltar,” Ashley Claire McDonald. In many ways Ash, you are the prettiest because of your “inner beauty” as well as your being photogenic. “The first of my girls to get a college degree” (through perseverance) and a Masters, albeit from Clemson. That would never happen to a Carolina Grad (Lisa and I) in heaven. She was also just awarded Career Counselor of the Year for Charleston County School District. Now for #3- Mary Elizabeth McDonald (“Wiba” to me), (Lisa and mine’s first) what a lovely name...(Mary) Mother of Jesus, (Elizabeth) Mother of John You, young lady, are very special and it will be cool to see (and according to the Bible I can watch) where you end up. You sing to God’s glory, “perform” to everyone’s dismay, you are smart as a whip and pretty as a tulip. Man, oh man, you got it going on! Just don’t ever forget to whom the glory should go for the gifts you received straight from Him, God. So, give back. 4th is Sarah Alice McDonald (Lisa and mine’s 2nd) named for her grandmother (Alice Gorman) and Abraham’s wife (Sarah) and deliberately spelled with an “H”, the dominate letter in YaHweH, God’s official name. Sarah, I always admired your inner “still and graceful” confidence. You are gonna be just fine and do great things. Thanks for being the humble winner you are. Nobody hugs better than you, Peanut and I love you!

That’s really about it. I was a simple man that did not like change (or socks) very much. I started McDonald Enterprises in 1972, after graduating from Carolina in 1971, (one life - one job) and gratefully sold it to my nephew, Bo Ivester, in April 2007, about 35 years later. I was married to Lisa since 1987, and more in love and “enjoyment” with her when I died than when we first married! I led each of my daughters to Christ at our kitchen table and discipled them regularly all their life. Jesus and I literally “walked and talked” all the time since about 1986, and I kept a real “short list of un confessed sins since then”. I believe the reason I was so “free in Christ” (Gal. 5:1, my favorite Bible verse) is because I was so continually forgiven by Him, not because I ever earned “even the thought of righteousness worthy of salvation” but purely because of His grace (God’s Riches At Christ’s Expense) to me. I remember saying in ’86, “I ain’t gonna be a closet Christian any more” and I believe I was not. I also hope you are not but if you don’t know Jesus, please understand, according to Him, you’ll never see me again because I’m in Heaven with Him and you can’t get here without Him. Please, think about it and do something about it! My Pastor, my Wife and 4 Daughters, or the Elders and Deacons carrying me, will be glad to show you, even at my funeral, how to receive “The Only Savior available”, Jesus. For those of you that read this and come to my funeral, I thank you on behalf of my family because that’s who you are doing it for, I ain’t gone be there ... I’m in heaven, thank God! If you can’t make it, visitation will be at Caughman-Harman Funeral Home on Bush River Road from 5-7 p.m. on Sunday, December 2, 2007, so drop by but don’t dress up for me. See, my invitation is like Jesus’ invitation to salvation to you...come as you are (and a smiley face goes right there)!

Goodbye for now,

Marcus, aka Markie.

In lieu of flowers, memorials may be made to Faith Presbyterian Church, 1811 Dutch Fork Road, Irmo, SC 29063, designated to either the McDonald Scholarship Fund or Growing Through Faith. Marcus was given the opportunity to attend and graduate from the University of South Carolina through a personal scholarship and would like to continue to do that for others. He was also passionate about retiring the debt at his church.

It is very presumptuous of me to even broach this topic. Maybe you’d think that the parent of a child with special needs would know just what to do or what to say, but the truth is that the responses are just as different as the people who must deal with a devastating diagnosis.

So, I’ll try and give you a little information and some direction based on my experience. However, you’ll need to figure out how it applies to your circumstance.

I REALLY have to hand it to my parents on this one. For all of the mistakes they’ve ever made, they deserve some sort of trophy for knowing how grandparents proceed when they find out their grandchild has special needs. My mom was a little weepy (well, that’s just her), and she just hugged me a lot. Most importantly, she held that grandbaby and sang to him. She didn’t know what to say, so she just sang to him and did whatever she could think of to get him to respond to her. It was so nice to see someone else relating to him as a baby and not as a diagnosis.

My dad did a lot of holding too. He seemed stunned by it all, like someone had punched him in the gut or taken something he didn’t know he had. Yet, when they were with us, Dad would either hold the baby or find something positive to say about his growth, strength, progress, color, or whatever. There were SO MANY days when all we had were discouraging reports from the medical community. It was a RELIEF to hear someone notice something positive for a change.

Having a baby in the house is supposed to be a time of joy. My parents, in their own way, helped us remember that this was a BABY. I’m sure they discussed the matter with any number of their friends and heard all sorts of miss-information, but they didn’t tell us about it. They didn’t expect us to help them through their grief. Wisely, they knew that we were processing all of these things ourselves. They leaned on others that didn’t know us and wouldn’t carry tales of conversations out of context. Mom has the gift of gab so this was a TREMENDOUS GIFT to us. It kept us from having to answer thoughtless questions or having to add ‘comfort parents’ to our long list of things we needed to do.

As far as other friends and extended family, the parents of the child will really be your guide. Even if you have a child that has the same diagnosis, there are so many treatment options and the field is changing so quickly, that what was cutting edge treatment for your child may not be the best for their child. So, when it comes to treatment options, I would only share word of mouth recommendations. The parents will likely already have REAMS of information to wade through, trying to figure out what to do. It is overwhelming enough without well-meaning family and friends adding to the pile. In my opinion, the recommendation of a parent with a positive outcome trumps any number of theories from other sources. Plus, it’s encouraging to hear what worked for another family. Become a peddler of hope.

Speaking of peddlers, beware of the predators. They are out there and they are shameless. These people will tell new parents (they are trained to spot them when they are out with their little one) that they have just the right nutrient/vitamin/enzyme/etc. combination in supplemental form that will give this child a fighting chance at a productive future. Their literature is heavy on anecdotal testimonials, and they refuse to answer probing questions. For hundreds of dollars a month, they will sell you hope and not take any of the responsibility for your financial ruin or a less than ideal outcome.

One company even offers a ‘scholarship’ for your special kid. Be prepared to be placed on a waiting list (read that mailing list) where you will be contacted and told how your child could be making progress IF ONLY you could get relatives to foot the bill NOW. Oh, and once you get to the top of the list, be prepared to add your child’s picture to their literature with your glowing reports – that is IF you want to qualify for the ‘scholarship.’

New parents are vulnerable to these tactics.
I’ll leave you to develop your own methods to protect them. >;(

One thing that EVERYONE can agree on is that whole foods free of toxins are best for optimum development in ANY child. People don’t realize the affect that foods truly have in a child’s ability to interact with his/her environment and his/her ability to learn. Yet, figuring out WHO to believe is quite the challenge. For this, I have two books and two web sites that have information everyone needs to know. The web sites are free. The books are well worth the investment.

Both of these books are crucial resources. Unraveling the Mystery of Autism, by Karyn Seroussi details one mother’s search to determine what foods were affecting her son’s behavior and development. I understand why the word autism is part of the title, but I don’t think it is a book only for parents of autistic children. I believe ALL parents wanting to know how to determine if their children are reacting badly to toxins in foods NEED to read this book.

Nourishing Traditions by Sally Fallon is a mind-expanding education on how to pack the most nutrients into and eliminate toxins out of foods. She details the elements of good nutrition and what quality sources offer these things in whole food form.

The National Association for Child Development has been on the forefront of research into how to increase the efficiency of neurological pathways. At the bottom of this link -- http://www.nacd.org/more_information/health_nutrition.html -- are some specially formulated recipes that provide lots of nutrients in easily digested form. You can actually view some of the forums where moms of special needs kids share tips on what has (or hasn’t) worked for them.

WellTellMe (http://www.welltellme.com/discuss/) is a site that deals with natural health from a Christian perspective. It’s like having a Mama online. Other moms share what they have learned, their research, and what works for them. A search is likely to reveal that there is already a discussion thread on a topic you about which you’d like more information.

I mention these resources because most of them have moms with a kid that is already dealing with the diagnosis that your new little one has. When you place these tools into a new mom’s hands, you are handing her the gift of other loving moms who can relate to her experiences, and reference materials that she can draw upon for years to come.

Of course, none of this tells you what to do for your sister or your friend or your relative that just discovered their baby has _____________.

The BEST thing you can do is BE THERE and tell those parents that you BELIEVE in them. Your heart will show through even if you say some thing stupid like:
§ These children are always so loving! (Yeah, when they aren’t clobbering big brother with a toy. *eye roll*)
§ These children are such a blessing! (Oh, I’m so glad I finally got one of THOSE. The other ones were just duds. (:-/) )
§ God gives special kids to special parents. (????? I know the sentiment is good, but the parents and the child are all human. Let’s acknowledge reality. God can handle what is.)

Remind them that God is more than equal to the task of filling in all of the blanks and providing them with what they need to accomplish this task. If they are angry at God, tell them that He’s big enough to handle their anger. Remind them of what HE says about children. These parents have heard everyone else’s evaluation of their child. Send them reminders of how God sees children and the promises He makes in His word for them.

Pray for them and send them notes to tell them that you are praying. Ask to hold their baby. Play with the baby. Delight in their baby – even if you have to figure out how to do it around tubes and such. Make meals, phone calls, feed the dog, water the grass, or whatever other practical helps you can offer. They may not have enough strength or stamina to say thank you, but they will remember your heart and forgive any inadvertent flubs.

And when you just don’t know what to say and the awkward moments come say, “I don’t know what to say. Could you use a hug?”

Psalm 127:3 contains the phrase, “children are an heritage of the LORD.” Until I had Z-man, I didn’t give that phrase a lot of thought. I was reading it one day and it occurred to me that children are the rewards that God pays Himself. This child isn’t the result of the good or bad of ME but this child is the LORD’s heritage. God called my child a reward.

On my darkest days when I didn’t know WHAT to believe, I turned away from the medical documentations and prognosis and determined that I would believe HIM. If my child didn’t measure up to men’s standards, then I’d just use God’s measure. This child is a gift God made for Himself.

}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{
Psalm 127:3
Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD:
and the fruit of the womb is his reward.